Friendzoned

I've always been told that I deserve someone better but I never really took that advice to heart because I know that whatever I want or no matter how difficult it is, I will put my whole heart into getting it. But lately, I've been drained of the energy to hold on.

I've always wondered what I was to him. We were more than friends but less than lovers. He made sure to show me a fine line between those two. I was there when he needed a partner to watch movies with. He had my support from day 1 when he was about to take the boards. I even helped him in any possible ways I could. He knows I liked him. I gave him several hints but I didn't want to appear pushy and I want him to feel like I’m one of those people he could count on. The one that would completely understand everything he was going through and maybe, just maybe, he will somehow feel the same way if I would be lucky enough.

Then something happened. Waking up one day and realizing he only saw me as a friend, only just a friend. It was obvious. I just kept pretending that I was more, but I never really was. I’d always remind myself that if I was patient enough, I’d start to mean something. But I didn't really mean that much to him. After months of waiting, nothing happened. Nothing changed. He still talked to me like I’m of those special people in his life. But the fact that he made me feel special did not necessarily indicate that I was. Later, I could feel myself slowly falling into the friend zone, as if I had not already been there in the first place. So I’ll give up. I’ll try to stop looking at him the way I always did. Eventually, I stopped initiating conversations. I was weak. I had too much pride to admit that I could not be friends with him because I’m always going to want more. How selfish of me to do this to anyone. Doing this will be incredibly difficult. But we were never anything to begin with. I know the hardest part of my decision is that I’ll miss him. And honestly, I’m pretty sure that he won’t miss me. He won’t contact me or perhaps he’ll be afraid of doing so, but if he cares enough, he would eventually. I was afraid to do this sooner because I could not accept the fact that he didn't feel the same way. I know it was a huge possibility but I didn't want to believe it. But sometimes, we need the truth no matter how much it hurts and I couldn't wait on him forever selflessly.

It hurts to know that someday I’ll just become a memory. But maybe, this is the way it’s supposed to end. Maybe, I have to learn that being friends with someone you have irrevocable feelings for is self torture and unnecessary. At least with him out of the picture this early, I won’t be losing much. For now, the only person who has my attention is myself. I believe I have lost self respect at some point so this time, I’ll be finding my way back.